Home v Warners End 25th April 2004




Something rather strange happened at work last week: It appears that the miserable neo-nazis in out I.T. department decided to put a block on anybody accessing any web sites featuring (however remotely) the topics of sport or entertainment. I don’t know how they have done it (Stuart Ogilvie tried explaining it to me on Sunday but I can’t remember much of it now) but my God have they been thorough ! We tried the lot – obviously sites like Football365, Rivals or BBC Sports pages would be too easy, but even by searching for the most outlandish, minority interest pseudo-sports (darts, water polo, Greaco-Roman wrestling) on Google and trying to access the suggested web site the story was the same – SITE RESTRICTED (blah, blah lots of stuff about the company’s computer policy). Even that most pointless of “sports” (with NO apologies to any fans of it who may be reading this) – Synchronised Swimming – produced the same threatening screen. In my desperation for something to do rather than work, I then started working my way through all my stored Favourites to see what other pleasures had been denied to me and that when I discovered it…….


I could still access this the -  Octopus CC website!


Apparently according to whichever t****r put up the blanket ban on us visiting websites related to either Sports or Entertainment , Octopus fall into neither category. It would appear that we have a critic – I’m still trying to work out who it is, but obviously in order to satisfy this geek with an attitude we need ,as a club, to be either more sporting or more entertaining or both and then we too can have the honour of our website being banned at my workplace along with  the British Indoor Ferret-Legging Association.


With this in mind, we decided that for the first match of the 2004 season we would try something new – a 12-a-side game: Well in fact this is slightly untrue since it wasn’t a completely conscious decision, more a case of myself and the team secretary at Warners End talking at cross purposes over the phone about how many players they were likely to turn up with and the result being that we ended up providing 2 totally unnecessary players. 13 of us – 11 of them = 12-a-side game with Young Ian White sacrificing himself by playing for the opposition (didn’t bat, didn’t bowl probably not the most thrilling game he has ever taken part in).


By the way, we had an unprecedented 5 new Octopi making their debts in this game, namely:-


Pete Thomas

Jo Smith

Stuart Ogilvie


Paul Keitley (our new resident Aussie)


I’m sure that after a couple of games the rest of us will have pulled them down to our standard !


Oh, and we were late starting as usual so it turned out to be a 35 overs a side game.


Couple of things about our pitch: Firstly it was like a Christmas pudding that has been sat on by Michelle McManus – I would defy even Steve Jones (that’s the England fast bowler not the guitarist with the Sex Pistols by the way) to get any life out of it: It certainly did our spearhead attack of Rocky and Tractor Boy  no favours whatsoever. Secondly the outfield looked like it had been cut with a pair of shears: Definitely not a 200+ pitch. My personal prediction of an opposition score of 130ish tops after Chris had lost  his first toss as captain and they had decided to bat first did start to look a bit stupid though when the Warners End batsmen started by-passing the outfield all together by hitting everything over the top – Harsh suffered in particular in this way. Damn unsporting if you ask me. A good spell by Stu Ogilvie (taking his first 2 wickets for the club) and , in particular, Syd who took 3 for 27 off 6 overs (advantage of managing to keep the ball quite flat so it couldn’t be twated all over the place) aside, I can’t really think of anything to say about the bowling performance. We didn’t field badly (just the usual 3 or 4 drops) and the ground fielding was good, but looking back we really lost this game during their innings. The partnership between Thomas (61) and Codling (43) really did for us and their score of 174 was more than they should have got (we had 12 fielders for God’s sake !).


So, onto our innings. Probably easiest to sum this up by saying that it was one of those games where several players got out just as they were starting to look as if they might be getting under way. We had Gopi (39), Jo (26), Tractor Bob (25) and Rocky (22) all starting to play some good attacking shots and getting the opposition worried and then getting out. So a disappointing start to the season since I thought that this was a game that we should\could have won: Next week we play the mighty Jaguar on the same pitch – lets hope that it has still not dried out !


Man of the Match : Gopi played well for his 39 which included an enormous 6 off their rather demoralised looking opener and Stu bowled well in his first game for the club but I’ll give it to Syd for a very miserly bowling spell and 2 very good gully catches plus trying to keep the run rate ticking over right to the end with his running between the wickets.


Funniest Moment: Stu’s waist high full toss that dismissed their number 4. Sorry , shouldn’t laugh – but I will !


…and another thing: Apparently Harsh’s Golden Duck was the first that he has ever had in his whole career. Mind you this is according to Harsh himself, so I think a little research needs to be done here !


Anyway, that’s enough for this week. I’ll try to put less cricket in next week’s report. I’m off to do some web surfing now – with the ban on sports\entertainment it looks like it will have to be back to the porn sites again.








Away v Theydon Bois 16th May 2004





I suppose that I could start this “report” by mentioning the enforced 2 week break that preceded this game: That’s 2 weeks of no cricket in both cases due to a supposed waterlogged\unplayable pitch at our home ground that the groundsman called on our behalf. Thanks for that (no that I’m bitter of course).

I suppose that there are several possible solutions to preventing this from happening again:-


  1. Invest in some covers
  2. Ask the groundsman to join Octopus.
  3. Become the worlds first underwater cricket team.




By the way, following the report that I wrote for the first game of the season (home v. Warners End) I have received a bit of criticism for a few things that I included in the report.: Firstly, yes, I admit that I got it wrong and the Glamorgan and England fast bowler is called SIMON Jones and not Steve Jones,  - an easy mistake to make , I’m an accountant not Richie fucking Benaud .

Secondly, I number of people have pointed me in the direction of various “sports” websites that I can still access from work. For example it seems that the Kent County Cricket Club site (out of all the County websites) is accessible – maybe sombody’s in our IT department is making a point here. I can also get access to various             Leeds United fan sites (so no surprise there then).

Additionally , following on from my mentioning of the bizarre pastime of “ferret legging” in my last report, somebody pointed me in the direction of the following (uniquely) accessible site which is an interview with a Yorkshireman, Reg Mellor, who is (or was when the article was written) the world ferret legging champion:-




To summarise , it appears that (and I quote) “basically, ferret-legging involves the tying of a competitor's trousers at the ankles and the

insertion into those trousers of a couple of peculiarly vicious fur-coated, foot-long carnivores called ferrets.The brave contestant's belt is then pulled tight, and he proceeds to stand there in front of the judges as long as he can, while animals with claws like hypodermic needles and teeth like number 16 carpet tacks try their damnedest to get out.”

Reg Mellor the 72 year old world champion and “king of the ferrets” managed to take this sport to a new level from a period when the world record was less than a minute in the early seventies to an incredible 5 hours and 26 minutes. To quote Reg himself, "The world record was sixty seconds. Sixty seconds! I can stick a ferret up me arse for longer than that.”


Please take your time to read it – fascinating stuff I’m sure you will agree!


Whilst we are on the subject of ferrets, I’m launching a campaign to bring back our own webmaster and former match report writer , Mr Hill, in account of the fact that I’ve only been doing this for 2 games now and I’m already getting bored. Find another volunteer ? You’re having a laugh aren’t you ? Ian, come back mate vene with 1 leg you can still put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard ,whatever).


This weeks game was a nice little trip into the Essex countryside to Theydon Bois: Notice not “The Done Boys” as one member of the team called them long after it has ceased to be funny – i.e. the first time and not even “Theydon Bwois “ (with french accent)  as a girl I used to work with used to pronounce it. She also used to pronouce Hainault as “Hainooh” as well and then wondered why people in north-east London\Essex borders used to point and laugh. I suppose that we should have told her.


Thing about the very charming Theydon Bois ground is that it has the shortest boundary on one side that I have ever seen since I played at under 13 level – literally spitting distance from the wicket (but I did apologise for that to the square leg umpire afterwards). And they had at least 4 colts in their team. So how the f**k did we only make 120 all out ? Even more depressingly , the opposition made the paltry target that we set them in just 23 overs , the first 4 overs yielding about 25 runs before Tractor Boy and Harsh slowed them down a bit.

I have to say that our fielding was possibly the worse I have ever seen – not just dropped catches but the number of missed blocks etc in the field. Game over by 6.15 AND THE BAR WAS NOT EVEN OPEN  (grr). Not a good performance. Having thought about it lon and hard here are the only good points\highlights that I can come up with:-


-       debut from another new “boy” Jim Jeffrey

-       Harsh running for 2 , on his own after Rocky refused to budge – impressive dive at the end mate

-       Harsh’ s first wicket (interesting use of the third bounce)

-       Look on the face of their opener when Harsh bowled him (see above)

-       Young Simon’s fielding (the only member of the team who can feel at all happy with his performance)


So, in summary, we got beaten by a better team – but they were NOT that much better . We just made them look that way.

Nevermind, there’s always next week and the prospect of a gutsier performance. What we need is some of the spirit of Reg Mellors, and I quote him again:-


"Come on, Reg," I said. "Do they bite your -- you know?"

"Do they!" he thundered with irritation as he pulled up his pants. "Why, I've had 'em hangin' from me tool for hours an' hours an' hours! Two at a time -- one on each side. I been swelled up big that!" Reg pointed to a five-pound can of instant coffee.


Until ,next time





Home v Speedway C.C. 23rd May 2004




Situation Vacant


Person Wanted ..


..to write match reports. Interest in  \knowledge of cricket not essential (it might even help in fact). No requirement to actually turn up and watch the game. Reports should be approx. 200 word long – 20 of them to be about the match. Ability to rip off ideas or even whole passages  from other websites (cricket or non-cricket related) and not give the original writer credit essential.

Please apply to Ian Hill c/o Octopus Cricket Club. Closing date: as soon as possible ‘cos I’m getting hacked off with this


In the meantime…



… a few more comments have been made recently about my rather controversial interpretation of the term “match report”: Forgetting for a moment the unnamed bastard who asked me if I knew what a spellchecker was and various other remarks that implied that I have some kind of drinking problem (only drink problem I have is getting some of my more tight-fisted team mates to buy a round) , somebody also suggested, in all seriousness, that I include a report on the actual game that runs to more than about 3 lines.


I won’t be doing that.


.. not out of any particularly strong conviction that you cannot recreate the excitement (!!) of actually playing in , or even just watching, a cricket match involving Octopus you understand: No, the main reason is that if I’m personally involved in the game my concentration is nowadays devoted to protecting myself from personal injury (mainly involving being hit on the back of the head by some wayward throw from a team mate) and if I’m only spectating…. Well the view of the pitch isn’t too good from the bar.


Since our “brilliant” display (note: heavy irony) last week against Theydon Bois I think it was with a rather heavy heart that we set about organising this previously blank fixture. I was a bit worried that the phone call from the fixture secretary of Speedway C.C. was a wind up since (a) I’d never heard of them  and (b) I had a vision of 11 guys turning up on motorbikes (whatever would the groundsman have said about that I wonder).


I felt a bit better on Sunday morning though when I checked the kit and found that we had “acquired” an extra umpire from somewhere    and also that the wicket keeping gloves had not disappeared as we thought last week when Jo had to borrow some from the opposition. While I’m on the subject of the keeping gloves by the way, I heard Harsh telling Jo last week that to treat the inners properly he should soak them in urine before a game: I’m not sure if Harsh meant by this:-


  1. His own urine
  2. Jo’s
  3. A collective Octopus “specimen”
  4. A sample taken from the opposition as some form of  good luck charm


….mmmm interesting idea this – by the way Danny\Jo\Gopi\whoever is keeping wicket next week I’m looking after the kitbag this week and I’ve got 2 cats . You have been warned.


With Tractor Boy deciding to spend the weekend on the 6 lane car park that is the M6, vice-captain Andy J led us into battle with a side dramatically changed from last week, featuring 2 more debutants ,Alpesh and Arif plus 3 other players (Posh Jon, Danny and Wayne) making their first appearance of the season (that’s due to those 2 games that were called off because the pitch….sorry I’ll stop there). Gopi’s non-appearance meant a surprise recall for young Alex B who was to play a major part in the afternoon’s proceedings, as we shall see….


AJ’s analysis that we had a very strong batting team but were weak in the bowling department (with Arif and Alpesh unknown quantities) meant that he broke the Octopus tradition of batting first when you win the toss and opted for a policy of damage limitation: As it worked out this policy seemed to be paying off very well to start with – Andy made the bold choice of opening with spin from one end (from Harsh) and pace (Rocky of course) from the other and after an hour Speedway were pegged back at 61 off of 20 overs. Unfortunately we didn’t make inroads into their batting order and this went against us when the opposition decided to start swinging the bat after drinks the drinks break. A short boundary as per Theydon Bois didn’t help – but then neither did some of the bowling! So we let them get away with it and they managed to force their way up to 184 all out off exactly 40 overs (a still very chase able score by the way).


After last week’s nightmare, the fielding and bowling was a great improvement: Arif and Alpesh both bowled well and took a debut wicket a piece and Harsh  - our unlikely opening bowler – had excellent figures of 8-4-13-0 and took 3 good catches. Jon with a couple of good catches and a wicket did well and Danny showed the rivals for his wicket-keeping crown the standard to beat with our first caught behind of the season (should have been 2 except for a very questionable umpiring decision) and only let 2 byes go through ,which out of a total of 184 isn’t bad: I would have shaken his hand afterwards but not knowing what the glove inners had been dipped in decided against.


However the star of the show was undoubtedly young Alex B: Brought on as our sixth bowler (replacing his dad at the top end ) he finished with figures of 5-0-15-5 !

AND he has never (as far as I can remember) ever bowled for us before. Not bad for someone who wasn’t even supposed to be playing at 1.45.


As far as our batting performance when – well where do I start ? With one of the strongest batting line ups that we have had for a long time we really should have won this: It started so well – Wayne and Harsh starting off at a rapid pace (20 off the first 3 overs)  in an opening wicket stand of 48, followed by a promising innings by young Alex, before he remembered a social engagement and had to “retire. The best of the lot though was an excellent 82 from Rocky , including 4 enormous sixes (well they would have been enormous if the boundary had not been only 40 feet away). And that’s where I have to stop really ‘cos the rest of our scores resembled a string of binary code with just a 6 not out from Syd to break up the depressing series of 1s and 0s. Hard to believe that we managed to lose this really when we had loads of overs to go, 3 wickets still standing and needing only 20 odd runs. Well, hard to believe if you have never seen a classic Octopus collapse before ! In the end we fell 3 runs sort of the target , finishing the game at about midnight due to some rather prolonged field placings from the opposition BETWEEN EVERY SINGLE BALL !


Man of the Match. Young Alex – an excellent all round game. Rocky comes a very close second for his 82 , just a shame about the rather rash shot that he got out to.


Bored now – going home. 





Home v West XI 13th June 2004


Wells of the F. O.

(see http://hometown.aol.co.uk/steviebnotout/myhomepage/sport.html for explanation)


One of the few sensible\ unbiased things written by  the Daily Mail “Sports Writer” Jeff Powell (see the forthcoming “Bastard of the Month” page which we shall be adding to this site shortly) was that writing about sport involved “sitting at a typewriter, (can’t afford word processors at the Daily Mail then Jeff ?) until your sweat turned to blood”. Nice.

I do, however, think I know what he’s referring to here, because I’ve been putting writing this game off until I could think of anything positive to say about it, and putting it off and putting it off and putting it off…..


So far this is what I have come up with:-


-       Posh Jon’s excellent bowling at the oppositions tail (Again!). Putting his 3 for 13 from this game together with his earlier performances he now has a  bowling average only slightly higher than half the squads batting average.

-       Young Simon’s fielding . Covered a lot of ground which was just as well given that he was one of  a very small number of those present capable of doing a 100 metres in less that  half an hour.

-       Young Ian’s blocks in the field and his body check on the square leg fielder when he was umpiring.

-       The funniest dropped catch I have seen for a long time by the opposition’s keeper (a skier which he managed to let go straight through his gloves.

-       Another good all round performance by Syd – not out joint second run scorer and some frugal bowling  - I still can’t believe that he finished with no wickets:The dropped catch – well it happens, but  the stumping that was not given… all I can say is that the guy was so far out he was probably in the next postal district.


And that’s about it really: It comes as some consolation to learn from the opposition’s own web match report :-




that they are on something of a roll at the moment , this being their seventh consecutive victory . But on the other hand we beat them last year so it’s not as if we were playing way out of our league (if we were in a league of course, which we’re not) and did ourselves little justice here with either our batting, bowling of fielding. Teas were nice though.


So a few pointers for next week:-


-       We reintroduce the double headed coin when tossing up especially if Andy “lucky” James is captain: Fielding in 90 degree heat is not a good idea for us methinks.

-       We try to remember that the opposition probably don’t need us to help them out with their fielding practice by lobbing little catches up to them at mid-off and mid-on.

-       We buy Rocky a false wig and moustache and hope the opposition don’t notice anything too familiar about the guy who seems to be opening from both ends.


We now have a series of games coming up ,mainly at home, against teams that we have either beaten in the past and should beat again (obvious exception to this is Jaguar of course). C’mon lads we can do it , Keep the faith

For God, Steve Molson, England and St. George !





Home v Chalfont St. Peter 2nd XI 27th June 2004


Tim Henman – Complete Bastard *


Someone – it might’ve been Frank Zappa or it might’ve been Elvis Costello, depending on who you believe (and how much you care) – once said that “writing about music is like dancing about architecture”. An undeniably brilliant quote, certainly … but also complete bollocks. Only an especially pompous artist would sneer at others’ attempts to describe ,understand , justify and criticise their work ,thereby suggesting that, somehow, mere mortals don’t deserve their profound, glorious offerings if they’re not going to be sufficiently grateful.


And besides, writing about music is a piece of piss in comparison to writing about Octopus Cricket Club, so this week lets get something off our chests instead and have a right go at Tim Henman :


Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t have any particular grudge against the guy on a personal level, rather with the persona that his (totally mad) fans, the press and everyone that has ever voted for him as Sports Personality of the Year has created.


In many ways you can almost pity poor old Timmy:He dedicates every hour of his waking life to playing the best tennis he can, and what is his reward?

The bug-eyed adoration of the sort of individual who sees the Union Jack and thinks "waistcoat" and who spends their spare time making terrifying home-made posters from chopped-up newspapers.

I'm not saying all fans of other sports are the sort of characters you'd want to sit next to on a long train journey. It's just Henman's Barmy Army ruin it for the rest of us.

You want to support the lad - he's British, he's playing great tennis and he's a nice enough chap.

But to do so feels like an implicit endorsement of the screaming mob on Henman Hill.

The top bods at the LTA must cringe every time the camera zooms in on another gaggle of emotionally-unstable flag-biters.

The message is clear to impressionable youngsters all round the country - choose tennis ahead of football, and your groupies will look like your mum's friend Pat after she's spent the night sleeping on the pavement.

The Henmaniacs are the sort of people who have no interest in any other sport. They're not even particularly interested in tennis.

Tim simply represents everything they like - safe, polite, and he even has sensible hair.

There's nothing wrong with any of those attributes. It's just if Henman played the same tennis but had tattoos, was called Steve and hailed from Stoke, these fans wouldn't go anywhere near him.


Last Sunday Octopus Cricket Club played Chalfont St. Peter (Second XI) at home. We batted first and made 209 for 6 after some good batting from Posh Jon (24), Rocky (31) and Harsh with a lovely 69 (insert joke here…..).

The opposition struggled to deal with our bowling from the off and in the end Tractor Boy did the sporting thing and took Rocky out of the attack (not before he had taken 5 for 28 of course) . In the end they had made only 54 for 9 from 17 overs when…guess what ? Yes, it started pissing it down: Game abandoned as a draw. Laugh.. I thought I’d never start !


Teas were nice though.


* (Octopus Cricket Club would like to make it clear that this in no way represents official club opinion on Tim Henman.. even if he is a complete bastard)






Away v Jaguar 4th July 2004


Rocky – My Hero


Sorry guys, but this week we’re going to have to talk about the actual game. The reason is quite simple really: In the 6 years that Octopus have had Jaguar as a fixture we have NEVER got any sort of result against them , the pinnacle of recent achievements being not getting totally humiliated once about 3 years ago. Who could ever forget that memorable 345 in 35 overs that their batsman hit off our attack in 2000.’Nuff said.


But not this time. Because….wait for it…



WE WON !!!!!!


Bloody hell was that a win. 263 (that’s two hundred and sixty three) for 5 from 40 overs – and unlike previous games that was our score and not theirs’ !


And it all began in such unpromising circumstances as well: Harsh failed to turn up at the station for Chris to pick him up so we started the game with only 10 players – fortunately Chris won the toss so we could bat ,whilst hoping that Harsh would eventually turn up before our innings had ended. This did mean, however, that we were missing our regular opening batsman (and an in-form one at that after his 70 last week), so … step up Rocky  - emergency opener.


Rocky’s opening partner , Andy J, lasted only 4 balls , three of which shot down the legside, the fourth one being a terrible full toss that removed his off stump ,which prompted our normally mild-mannered vice-captain to start demolishing the score box with his bat after he had finished kicking it all the way back from the middle.

Arif then joined Rocky but couldn’t control his enthusiasm in trying to loft a slow ball over the top and got caught at mid-off. Then Posh Jon arrived in the middle and put on 17 (including 2 big sixes over midwicket) before getting bowled.


At this stage we were 59 for 3  - not too bad but not too good either. However when Tractor Boy joined Rocky in the middle it was to be the start of an incredible partnership against decent, accurate bowling of 191, only 19 behind the club record set by Bob “Wiggy” Latchford and Stewart “Capt. Hook” Newport against Woodlands about 150 years ago. With Tractor Boy playing the “sheet anchor” role (although he still got a fine 74 himself -  a top score for us on most days) , Rocky began to demolish the Jaguar attack (8 different bowlers could’nt stop him) whilst still complaining that Harsh had got his bat and the club one that he had been forced to use instead was crap. Harsh eventually turned up (with Rocky’s bat) at 3.30 having got a taxi from the station (about a 10 minute drive away). The journey had taken him about an hour, prompting Jon to ask if he had travelled by rickshaw ! After paying the taxi driver and waving him away with the suggestion to “use a fucking map next time you bastard” ,Harsh rushed Rocky’s bat out to him just in time for him to hit the 4 that took him up to 100 (his first century for the club and the first century by anyone in the club for 2 years). After that both batsmen cut loose and it was a pleasure to watch (well not for the other side of course) , with Rocky eventually getting caught attempting another big hit having made 149, beating the previous club batting record (S. Newport 145 v West Essex about 80 years ago ) the over before.


Final score 263 for 5. Nice.


In reply Jaguar did start off by “going for it” (which we know to our cost they are capable of) but lost wickets at  vital times. Our bowling was good – Arif and Harsh kept it tight early on although Chris got hammered a bit to start with. Jon  took his customary 3 wickets later on (must be at the top of the bowling averages by now !) and Syd made a major contribution by getting rid of their two highest scorers when it looked like a fightback might be under way.


If the bowling was good, I thought that the fielding was even better: Syd took a couple of gully catches, the second (I think) of which was brilliant , especially since it would probably have knocked all his teeth out if he had missed it ! We had an Aussie Paul “knock up” giving Harsh a first catch behind the stumps, and then the man himself catching a skier after taking the gloves off first (!!!). Young Simon also took a very hard catch (its not a dolly if it comes down with snow on it Simon !) and that was that. He had them.






Man of the Match…..   well who do you think ?





Home v Graces 25th July 2004


Game of Two Halves



So, we come to the mid-point of the season and the first of our “back to back” fixtures against the Graces. I suggested after this game (for reasons that will become apparent as you read on) that we should have made this a 2 innings match spread over the 2 consecutive weekends. Maybe we will next year . That would certainly be a variation on playing either time or 40 over games and would give the occasion(s) a sort of  2 leg football feel (as used in UEFA Cup , Champions League latter stages, Worthless Cup).


In fact, most Octopus members are also big football fans as well ,although we all tend to take pride in the fact that the teams we support are :-


a)     Our local team

b)    Shit


As examples we have:-


“Old” Ian Hill       -  Derby County

Posh Jon               -   Sheffield United

Stuart O                - Bristol City

Noops                   -  QPR

Shakey                 -   Watford

Tractor Boy          -   Ipswich (surprise,surprise)


Young Ian is a bit of an exception being an Arsenal fan, but we shall let him off the accusation of being a glory hunter since he comes from Wood Green and we’ll give Alpesh a reprieve for being a “Toon” support from Rubgy since he did live in Newcastle for 3 years.


Really there can be no excuse for not following your local team in my opinion – unless you come from Luton of course in which case you should move.Immediately.


Seriously though I have to concede that people unfortunate enough to live in Luton have always made a big effort to move get out as soon as possible:. Why else would they build a car factory right beside a motorway than to help themselves to escape ?


As far as the cricket was concerned – well we lost again.


Chris won the toss and we batted first (as usual) getting a very encouraging 209 for 9 from the 40 overs. Main contribution was (of course) Rocky with his second ton of the season  which now takes his total runs scored this season up to something like 500 , even higher that Stewart Newport’s record breaking season in 1793.

Tractor Boy came in at number 5 and hit a good 41 in support of Rocky and although nobody else contributed much with the bat the 209 looked a good target.


Sadly it was not.


Some pretty humdrum bowling and terrible fielding plus a lot of extras allowed our target to be overtaken with 2 overs to spare but with only 3 of the Graces batsmen back in the pavilion. A wicket each for Stu O (courtesy of a “joint effort catch”), Syd and Rocky but apart from that not much to write about unless you want to hear about the 3 Graces batsmen who got scores over 50 and you won’t do that here.


Match highlight: The argument between Rocky and their wicket keeper over a caught behind against Rocky that was not given. Thought a fight might break out. It didn’t. Pity.


Man of the Match: Second hundred in 3 games  - who do you think !!!?


Until next time






Away v Graces 1st August 2004


“A Story too good to be true”


I’m off on holiday soon – 2 weeks in sunny Spain. Nice.


As a consequence Mrs Shakey has a list as long as a luggage conveyor belt of things for me to do before we go away, so I’m going to be a bit briefer with this weeks report:


The 2 of our back to back fixtures against the Graces (who beat us last week in the 38th over chasing a total of 209 – try to keep up there will be a test at the end of this) saw us travel the short distance to Mill Hill (well it was short for me anyway).


Having won the toss (again !) we batted first (getting boring now Chris) and got off to a good start with Rocky and Harsh taking us to 43 in the first 9 overs. A good start on a quick pich. Unfortunately Harsh’s dismissal for 23 seemed to stop us in our tracks and although Rocky continued on with a variety of people at the other end when he was out for a nice 50 and we were 106 for 6 it looked almost all over. However for once at least the Octopus tail (do they have tails ?) wagged and a partnership of 41 between AJ (14) AND Danny KOTW (21) plus a lovely little knock by Pete coming in at number 10 carried us up to 161 all out and some respectability.


On this pitch last year, against the same opposition we saw a performance of fast bowling from Rocky that was truly awesome (best since Stewart Newport’s figures of 10 for 10 in 1699) and we had them all out for 49. Either Graces have found some new players or they were taking the piss last year, because after making our total of 209 for the loss of 3 wickets last week, they passed our 161 this week losing only 2 wickets (including Jo’s first wicket for the club  - courtesy of Pete’s first catch for the club) with 10 overs to spare. Hampered by having a weak attack this week and Rocky only managing 4 overs before pulling up with a leg injury we basically got mugged here and that’s about all I can say.  Got to go now (coming dear !), so to fill up the page I’ll leave you with my favourite “Urban Myth” as recounted by Dr Mikel Koven of the University of Wales , who says:


"Perhaps the best definition I have heard of an urban myth or legend is "a story too good to be true"."

Dr Koven said his favourite urban myth was the one about a women who lived alone with her large golden retriever dog.

During the night, she hears disturbing noises but when she reaches down to her dog, it licks her hands affectionately.

But in the morning, when she goes to the bathroom, she pulls back the shower curtain to find the mutilated body of her beloved pet hanging in the cubicle.

And written on the bathroom mirror in the animal's blood are the words: "Humans can lick too!".


Sleep well