Home v Roxbourne 1st May 2005


Moving Home


Moving home: It’s meant to be one of the most stressful experiences after divorce, bereavement and being an NTL customer and I can certainly go along with that having a) recently changed abode myself and b) having experienced 2 out of the other 3 as well. Octopus Cricket Club physically moved in the winter of (better check the date here Ian) 1999 and played it’s first home game at the start of the 2000 season at our current ground in the wilds of Palmers Green (or Winchmore Hill borders if you want to be flash). Before that Octopus had been a firm summer fixture,since the club was founded in 1947, at the Town Park Ground in Enfield Town and the reasons for the eventual move after so many years of residence are a story in themselves although we can sum in up as being down to a crap\dangerous pitch. The complete breakdown in relations with London Borough of Enfield Parks and Recreations department didn’t help either.


In fact, it might be a sign of how relieved LBE were to see the back of us that recent reports suggest that no cricket is played on the Town Park anymore; the changing rooms have burnt down (not guilty m’lud), the square is barely visible and the outfield is now used for football all year round. Short of ploughing salt into the ground it’s hard to see how more obvious the council could make it that they didn’t want us back again.


Moving onto 2005 and we have moved home again  - well in a “virtual” sense anyway since our esteemed Hon. Secretary and webmaster has moved this site to a new address. I guess if you are reading this you have already work that out – sorry we didn’t have time to write to everyone.


As I see it ,the main benefit of this move (don’t know the rest), is that we can now carry on where we took off last reason and use these match reports as thinly veiled excuses to slag people off without getting tracked down since Ian’s name no longer forms part of the URL . Therefore, over the course of the season we shall be slandering, condemning and generally abusing people such as:-


Jeff Powell (Sports “Writer” for the Daily Mail)

Rodney Marsh

Paris Hilton

“Cheeky” Harry Redknapp

The Chief Planning Officer of Three Rivers District Council

Russell Brand


And ,of course, our old friend …Timmy Henman (Bastard !)


..plus anyone else that we can think of (always open to suggestions)


so, keep reading throughout 2005 and hope you enjoy the season !




Octopus 154 for 8 (Rocky 73, Harsh 35)

Roxbourne 156 for 5 (Rocky 37-2)


So we lost by 5 wickets with 6 overs to go.


Anything else you want to know ?





Away v Waltham Cross Rosedale 8th May 2005


Starting the first in a  series of match reports written by celebrities, Octopus CC. gives you:-


“Heaven knows I’m miserable now”

(we hope it doesn’t marr your enjoyment too much)


Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but here is the long awaited match report from a few weeks ago when we played Waltham Cross Rosedale at their place. In fact I began writing a report soon after the match but had to abandon it and start again: It was the old story of course – I started something that I couldn’t finish !


Anyway, on to the game: We turned up at Rosedale’s excellent ground all in good time apart from Wayne who was still ill from the previous night so Mattin, who had just turned up to watch, stepped into the breach. Our captain, Posh Jon (such a charming man !) went out with their skipper to toss up and hopefully to lead us to our first win of the season muttering “Please, please,please let me get what I want”, but sadly he lost the toss so we were fielding first: I think we all had a feeling that we would be fielding first – certainly Rich already had most of his wicket keeping gear on (both pads and one hand in glove) by the time Jon had got back to bear the news to us. So we took the field with that handsome devil, Stu ,opening the bowling. However it was Harsh who made the early breakthrough though, taking the wicket of their opener in the first over and when Rocky clean bowled their number 3 and 4 in quick succession we were all thinking that with a rush and a push this land is ours! Certainly Rocky we delighted and we had to restrain him from dancing a reel around the fountain!

Sometimes though, these things take time and Rosedale steadied the ship after that and batted well for the remainder of their innings with Murray hitting 127 out of a total of 244 for 7. At one stage there were a few dubious LBW decisions which went against us and it got so heated out in the middle that I was thinking “Oh no, Strangeways here we come!”, but thankfully it all calmed down  quickly - I think we are all old enough to know that sometime you just have to accept yourself:  none of us needs to be treated like children in the old headmaster ritual.


So there were a few glum Octopus faces at tea (nice to see a good selection of vegetarian sandwiches provided by the way, some of us firmly believe that meat is murder) before Jon rallied us.. “Come on, it’s not that bad – you all look like you have heard that the Queen is dead , or your girlfriend is in a coma. “.


So after those words, we went out to bat, and made a great start with some quick scoring from Rocky (90) and Jon (53) but sadly after those two got out the wickets started falling at regular intervals and we finished on 224 for 9 and ended (with this being a timed game) in a draw.

We hung about in the bar for a bit, but then it was back to the old house again and personally I was nursing a bit of an injury , so it’s the death of a disco dancer I’m afraid !


In summary, it started well for us in both innings but fell away disappointingly and the eventual draw left me with a bit of an empty feeling – a real hatful of hollow if you like.


Nevermind, last night I dreamt that somebody loved me !


p.s. Go  on, count them !





Home v Bohemians C.C  29th May 2005





In an attempt to get more (any) people to write match reports, we have come up with this simple questionnaire to fill in after each game: Only takes a few minutes (or simply copy the previous weeks). Simply underline the most appropriate answer. Ok, lets begin with the game for the Sunday just gone:-



The game on Sunday was (at home \ away \ called off AGAIN) . We played a team (of girls \ who were much bigger than us \ called ….Bohemians……). The opposition were (late \ strangely attractive \if I ever see those bastards again…..). Our captain on the day was (Posh Jon \ Rocky \ pissed AGAIN !). When it came to tossing up we (won \ lost AGAIN \ did’nt bother because nobody had any change). The 40 over game was scheduled to begin at 2 p.m. but we started (late \ late \ late). We (fielded \ batted ) first and although we had a good start which lasted ( 5 overs \ 10 overs \ as long as it takes the Umpire to shout “Play” ) the opposition made … 194…. for ...5… at the end of their innings. We were ( unlucky \ very unlucky \ come on who are we kidding ?) not to take more wickets and only dropped ( 1 or 2 \ 3 or 4  \ don’t ask) catches.  Our innings started (after tea \ after a lie down and tea \ after an argument about the batting order). After a (good \bad \ indifferent ) start we ( collapsed \ collapsed spectacularly \ really f*****d it up). The opposition (bowled well \ bowled and field well \ must have been pissing themselves laughing). At the end of the day we were bowled out for …82.. inside …23.. overs and retired to the bar because we ( won \ lost \ drew). If I take anything from this game it will be (a sense or regret and shame \ an unfortunate injury \ one of the opposition’s wallets while they were in the shower). Ultimately I think we lost because ( Rocky wasn’t playing \ it was sunday \ we’re sh*t aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh !).